ENTERTAINMENT?

Have you ever wondered what happens to former wannabes, once their peak years of dreaming of almost making it somewhere, have passed? I'll tell you what happens to them -- they make a nice living on the twilight circuit. That's the circuit of retirement homes, care homes, nursing homes and such, where "entertainers" (in their own minds anyway) are paid £40+ an hour to entertain the unfortunate residents.

Okay, one or two aren't quite that bad but, in many cases they wouldn't have made it past auditions to be Butlin's redcoats. Typically, it might be someone who can barely carry a tune, strumming chords on a guitar as they accompany a backing tape while singing their way through anything from Cliff Richard's ' Summer Holiday' to 'It's a long way to Tipperary'. Even more bizarrely, he/she may be no more than 40-60 or so, believing for some odd reason that their captive audience have musical tastes going back almost 100 years. On one occasion, we had a guy of 50 who gave us within the space of 15 minutes, My Old Man Said Follow The Van, American Pie, a bit of Lennon and McCartney, some Elvis, It's a Long Way to Tipperary and a bit of Eric Clapton! I suppose that it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd had a decent voice and knowing all the words would have helped him as well. And we had him for 90 minutes! Still, mustn't expect too much, must we?

HEALTH AND BLOODY SAFETY.

How, in the name of everything or anything that is holy, has the human race made it this far? Without the phalanx of health and safety experts, would we ever have known that hot things can cause burns, that sharp things can inflict skin damage, that balancing precariously on top of unsecured ladders or furniture might be dangerous and allow you to fall down with painful results? Dear (insert the name of your chosen deity, icon or favourite fetish), how lucky was my dad to survive without them to help him? He even managed to survive a world war!! Did nobody even bother to warn him about the dangers before he went?

And today, the health and safety advice panel here tells me that I am not allowed to have control of my own medication! No, it must be issued to me by the nurse on duty every time: what's more, I'm only allowed things that have been specifically prescribed for me by the doctor. That ruling extends to a simple 75mg ('children's) aspirin and even to over-the-counter products like Sennapod! Apparently, I might overdose without realising it! On antibiotics! Aspirin! My very own Sennakot!! It seems that I'm not permitted to ask one of the carers "would you give me two of those ampicillin & one of those aspirin please?"

This is, apparently, to protect both me and the carers: I can't be trusted to be in control of that request and that they cannot be trusted to respond appropriately. Look, I'm thinking, if they can't be trusted to do that, why the hell are you employing them in the first place? And even before that, how dare you take away my control of me? In my book, I am in control of me, as far as my mental functioning goes, even though I may need physical assistance to give effect to my wishes. Even having fun, however you define it, you need assistance from carers etc. Don't you believe everything the pro-lifers tell you -- quadriplegia isn't always fun.